


With All My Heart

by Moonflower999



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 14:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16369007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonflower999/pseuds/Moonflower999
Summary: To quote The Princess Bride, “I do not think that means what you think it means.”With Gwen’s help Merlin and Arthur face their true feelings after Merlin (as the Dolma) saves Guinevere from the curse she is under.(The Gwen/Merlin/Arthur is actually just an implied possibility.)





	With All My Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emrys MK (mk_malfoy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/gifts), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> True quotes from the episode:
> 
> “One day, great King, you will recognise the true worth of those that surround you.”
> 
> “Three’s always better than two. Isn’t that right, Merlin?” ( I SWEAR this is a direct quote from canon!)
> 
> A million thanks to our brilliant Canonfest mod, Emrys MK. This is a wonderful fest, and your patience and helpfulness is very much appreciated!
> 
> This fic would probably not be here without the fine cheerleading provided by @Plutonia.

 

“Yay me!” Merlin muttered to himself as he handed his horse to the groom and headed back to Gaius’ rooms. _“No, no thanks, Sire. I’d prefer whatever Gaius has thrown into the stewpot to a banquet in my honor. None of that fancy, frilly food for me. No siree, Sire. Don’t mind me. Glad you’ve got your queen back and all that.”_

Merlin was chagrined to realise that he had lied to Mordred. Of course he was happy, thrilled, delighted to have saved Gwen from the curse. But it did sting more than a bit to be treated as little more than a baggage handler. They had almost forgotten all about him and left him with that old hag! _Oh..wait…I’m the old hag…whatever._..And it was just plain embarrassing to realise that he’d been on a high horse with Mordred about not requiring appreciation, when the truth was that though he didn’t do any of these things for credit or recognition, deep in his heart he longed for it.

As he approached the door of the physician’s chambers the smell of warm food (something meaty and herby) wafted by. Merlin gave himself a good shake, and smiled, shoving aside his hurt feelings. He was home. Dinner smelled good enough, and he knew Gaius would be happy to see him. He knocked the dirt off his boots and entered their rooms.

“Merlin my boy! Well done! Come sit down and tell me all about it. You must be starved.” Gaius made his way over to Merlin and embraced him firmly.

 Merlin’s heart swelled at the pride on his mentor’s face. Two bowls and a fresh loaf of bread sat on the table. He sat down to a hearty bowl of chicken stew and some crusty brown bread with fresh butter and honey.

Gaius stood to retrieve something, then set a goblet full of a deep, cherry red liquid in front of his charge. “I thought perhaps you’d like this. I had a little extra that didn’t quite fit into the bottle.”

Merlin’s eyes opened wide; he’d never been permitted more than a sniff of this precious infusion of the rarest spring fruits. Gaius prepared it annually, and exclusively for the only the most royal of the royals. He began to thank the older man, and then ducked his head and grinned when Gaius gruffly interrupted him and told him to eat his stew before it got cold.

Gaius heated a pot of water over the fire and filled the wash basin for Merlin as they talked and ate. “Wash up my boy, and get yourself to bed. I’d say you’ve well earned it today.”

Merlin grinned gratefully and obediently followed those orders.

As Merlin removed his shirt to wash, Gaius noticed his bruises. “Merlin!” Gaius rushed over and began to examine Merlin. He discovered several startling contusions, and a bruised rib, but was most concerned about the large lump at the back of the skull. After further examination and hearing about the fall that had caused the injuries, as well as the symptoms that followed, Gaius felt rather sure that Merlin was suffering from a concussion too.

“Your magic must be tamping down the pain. Bed for you, Merlin. And then you are restricted to these rooms for the next few days.”

Merlin twisted away from Gaius. “But I have responsibilities! Arthur will kill me if I don’t show up for three days. He already thinks I’m useless.”

“Merlin, pain lets us know when we’re overdoing it. If you aren’t feeling the pain you should be then you will be at risk of worsening your injuries. I guess I’ll have to ask Gerty if she can send her son in to clean the leech tanks.”

“But...”

“No more buts from you. Into bed. Now!” Gaius pointed to Merlin’s door severely. “I’ll let Arthur know you’ll be unable to attend to him until further notice.”

Merlin turned back to Gaius from the doorway to his room. There may have been a little smirk on his face. It might have been just a tiny bit evil. “You know Arthur took quite a fall too. In fact, his arm was pinned by a rock...I mean...a boulder. A _giant_ boulder. He almost lost his arm!” Merlin settled into his bed grinning, and Gaius hustled off to go check on the king, grumbling mightily.

**& &&&&&&&&**

 

“No way, Gaius!” Arthur fumed and threw Gwen a beseeching look. “There is no way I am going to do nothing but rest for the rest of the week.” Arthur paced around the room.

Gaius eyed his patient, noting the slight limp and the way he rested his right arm close against his side.

“My knights depend on me for training. We’ve already missed too many sessions recently, and Morgana is still out there.”

“Sire, Leon is more than capable of leading the knights in their exercises...as he has done most conscientiously these past few days. You, on the other hand, are limping and nursing your right arm. Of what use will you be as a warrior if the inflammation grows and you can’t stretch your arm above your shoulder? A few days of rest and treatment will do you wonders...you’ll be better for it.”

Gwen stepped in front of Arthur and rested her hands on his shoulders lightly. “Do as he says, Arthur. If it were one of your men there is no way you would let him return to practice when the physician orders rest!”

“Traitor!” Arthur grumbled petulantly...but then he caught sight of the way her face fell and smacked his forehead with his uninjured hand. “I’m sorry, Guinevere. Too soon, huh?” He reached out and pulled her in for a kiss. Without breaking eye contact with Gwen he addressed Gaius. “Go away, mother hen. I’ll follow your instructions to the letter. There’s no way this one is going to let me get away with anything else. Please let Merlin know he can sleep in and attend me at lunch.”

“I’m sorry, sire. Merlin is injured as well. He’s confined to my chambers for at least a few days.”

The king and queen turned away from each others’ gaze and directed their attention to Gaius, who made a mental note to himself to tell Merlin how very concerned about him they both were. (He didn’t believe in too much mollycoddling...but now and then it broke his heart that all of Merlin’s amazing feats could never be acknowledged publicly...or by the one whose opinion Merlin valued most...his king.) After answering several questions and reassuring them that Merlin would recover, Gaius took his leave.

 

**& &&&&&&&&**

 

The days passed slowly, but finally both men were cleared for light duty, with firm instructions on what they could and could not do. By the time Merlin began to resume some of his duties Gaius was ready to tear his own hair out. A cooped-up, energetic, young sorcerer, pining for his king’s company was not much fun to be around. Likewise, Gwen had thrown herself into a chair and cried out ‘Thanks Be!’ as soon as Arthur had left their chambers in the early morning hours on the first day of his freedom. Merlin found her thus, still draped across the chair enjoying the peace, when he arrived with Arthur’s breakfast.

“Merlin!” Gwen jumped up. She took the tray Merlin was carrying and laid it on the table, then turned back to hug her friend.. “It’s so good to see you up and about!”

“Good morning, Gwen. Where’s his Pratship? I brought breakfast for you both.” He looked the queen up and down and searched her eyes for any sign of damage left by the curse. Finally satisfied, his grin lit up the room. “I’m so glad to see you well, too!”

“I’m sorry, Merlin. He couldn’t wait to get out and about and ran out first thing. He said he’d grab something from the kitchens on his way to the training field.” Gwen sat down and indicated the seat next to her. “Come then, let’s share his breakfast and catch up.”

Merlin hesitated.

Gwen placed her hand on his arm. “Come. I’ve missed you, old friend. I’m not clear about all that has happened, but somehow it feels like a time for fresh beginnings. It’s been so long since I’ve been myself, and finally I feel I’ve woken from a bad dream though I didn’t even know that I was dreaming.

The two friends talked and laughed while Merlin ate Arthur’s favorite foods. And something that hadn’t been quite right between them mended. When they parted to set about the rest of their day, both felt a satisfaction that food and drink alone could never bring.

 

**& &&&&&&&&**

 

That night Merlin returned to help Arthur with his evening preparations. Gwen was nowhere in sight. The two men hadn’t seen each other since they had returned from the Cauldron of Arianrhod...and they each found themselves staring at the other.

Merlin broke the stare first. He started fussing around the room and asked, “Where’s Gwen then?”

Arthur’s eyes still followed him. “Oh, umm, she’s...I think she said she’s...She won’t be back for...‘til much later.”

Merlin glanced curiously at Arthur, but he could tell he wasn’t going to get more of an answer.

“Oh….shall I go get your dinner then?”

“No, no. I’ve asked George to bring something up later,” said Arthur, who was engaged in a series of ever so important activities, such as pacing back and forth, staring out the window, and shuffling the parchments on his desk without actually looking at them. Meanwhile, Merlin straightened what he could. After two false starts, Arthur spoke again. “Merlin, sit down. We need to talk.”

Arthur took a seat in front of the fire, and Merlin joined him there.

“What’s wrong, Sire?” Merlin rubbed his hands along his the tops of his thighs nervously.

“This needs to stop, Merlin. I’m not stupid!”

Merlin quirked his head and looked as if he were considering the truth of this statement...but the joke fell flat.

Arthur ignored him and continued. “Obviously you can no longer continue on as my manservant.”

Merlin jumped up. As happy as he’d been to see Arthur whole and hale, his hurt and resentment still lingered beneath the surface. “You are _sacking_ me! I can’t BELIEVE you are sacking me. After all I do for you. Of course, I should have known. You really were going to just leave me there with that old hag. You probably wouldn’t have even noticed until you were back in Camelot and needed someone to throw something at.”

Arthur looked stunned. And then incredulous...and finally broke out into mad laughter.

“WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT?” Merlin’s voice was full of fury. Merlin was working himself into tantrum. The window blew open and dust bunnies from under the bed twisted across the room like tiny demons.

“MERLIN! STOP THIS! AT ONCE!” Arthur grabbed Merlin’s arm and forced him back into his seat. Merlin glowered at Arthur, arms tightly crossed over his chest, but he stayed put and went silent.

“Merlin, I’m not sacking you. I would never sack you. And I would never have left you there with the….” Arthur covered his mouth and steadied himself to avoid laughing again. He pulled his chair close to Merlin’s so they sat knees almost touching. “I know, Merlin.” He caught Merlin’s gaze and held it firmly. “I know who you are. Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize you? Did you really think that I would have left you there with...(a chuckle escaped)...umm... _with yourself_?”

Merlin paled and Arthur could see him trembling. If earlier he looked like he might flee, now he seemed on the verge of passing out.

A whisper, “You know?”

Arthur took Merlin’s hands in his own and nodded solemnly. “I’ve known for some time. I had hoped you would tell me yourself.”

Merlin withdrew his hands, wrapped them around his knees and buried his face in his lap. Arthur inched forward and laid a hand on Merlin’s back.

“It’s ok. I _was_ hurt and angry. Of course I wasn’t really going to leave you there, but I guess I wasn’t above being a little mean.” He rubbed slow circles on Merlin’s back. “It’s ok, Merlin. It’s all going to be ok. I’m sorry I was so unfair to you. But anyway, I am not sacking you, but we’re going to need to talk about finding you a position worthy of your skills.”

A ragged voice emerged from the vicinity of their knees. “Unfair?” Of course that is what he latched on to.

“I realise now that it was unfair to expect you to feel safe enough to speak of something to me that you have kept secret your whole life...that your very life depended on. I blame myself for not being a man that you could trust with all your heart.”

The phrase was not lost on Merlin, who raised his head enough to peek at his king’s face.

Arthur slowly slid his hand from Merlin’s back up to his neck and then into his hair. With his other hand he tilted Merlin’s chin up and gently pulled him upright. He held Merlin close with one hand, and caressed his soft dark curls with the other. “I am sorry that you have been so long alone with all of this.” He leaned forward and rested his cheek against Merlin’s. “Please forgive me.”

Merlin just shook his head from side to side in tiny, slow movements. “There is nothing to forgive, my king.”

Arthur opened his mouth to argue, but instead found himself moving to meet Merlin’s turned face until their lips met in a kiss that was so natural that several moments passed before either man was fully conscious of the barrier that had been crossed.

Merlin pulled back and looked into Arthur’s face. Arthur closed his eyes, took a long deep breath, opened his eyes again, and let everything he felt for this man who had given him so much show.

Caught up in the moment, Merlin returned the honest openness of that gaze, and Arthur wondered in amazement at all he saw there.

Then suddenly Merlin gasped and jerked away. “We can’t!” he said firmly, voice full of regret. “You know we can’t.”

Arthur smiled at him and pulled him back in. “I know no such thing.”

“Gwen. Your _queen?”_

Arthur just smiled at him. “It’s ok. I promise.”

“It’s ok? Really? I heard you both. ‘With all my heart’ you promised to each other...not..what...four days ago? No Arthur. We just can’t. For so long I’ve dreamed of you wanting me, and known you never would.” Merlin kept slowly shaking his head ‘no’. “I suppose it is something to know you want me too...even if it can never be.” He sighed heavily, and then the pain in his voice was replaced with exasperation, “And since when, anyway? Why now?”

Arthur quirked his trademark crooked grin at Merlin...that sheepish, chagrined, but utterly charming look that never failed to melt hearts. “I was...um...an idiot?”

Merlin refused to melt.

“I didn’t know. I mean I knew, but I didn’t know...When I saw you bent and broken looking at the bottom of the cliff...That was one time that I knew. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s been years, but there’s always been a fog. Almost like a curse that wouldn’t let me see. I knew, but I didn’t know.”

Arthur rose to poke at the fire. He found himself unable to look into Merlin’s eyes as he revealed himself. “The cauldron...something happened there. I don’t know if it was the water or the goddess or some spell… both Guinevere and I felt it.” He hesitated, unable to find the right words. “It’s almost like the lies...both the lies we’d been told and the lies we told ourselves, were washed away. Gwen and I have spent these last days truly facing ourselves and each other.” A small private smile made Arthur’s face even more beautiful and twisted the dagger that was embedded in Merlin’s heart.

“I am happy for you both, Sire.” And he truly was, though inside he was bleeding out on Arthur’s bearskin rug. “There is nothing I want more.” (He wasn’t going to pick that apart...it was at least somewhat true.)

Arthur knew that Merlin wasn’t quite getting it. He came back to where Merlin was seated and knelt in front of him. He tipped Merlin’s chin up and met his eyes again. “Gwen is much braver than I. And much more perceptive.”

Merlin tried to turn away. How much was he expected to bear?

Arthur continued. “She said that your eyes follow me just the way mine follow you. I swore that it was of no matter, that I would never be unfaithful to her. I promised that I would always be true to her, with all my heart—And she laughed in my face.”

“She doubted you?”

“No.” Arthur shook his head. “’With all my heart,’ she said, ‘it simply means as much as it is possible for a heart to love. It doesn’t mean you can only feel that for one person,’ she told me, ‘and I know you feel it for Merlin as much as for me’. And then she told me that she knows that this is true because this is what she felt for both me and Lancelot.”

Merlin just stared at Arthur, afraid to move or say anything, awash in a flood of hopes and fears. Arthur took his hands again.

“I know how you feel, my...my love.”

Merlin winced at that, not knowing whether to curl up into a ball and shut out everything or dare to keep his heart open.

“She apologized to me, to us...”

“What! Why?”

“She said she’s known for some time, but she didn’t have the courage to open this door.”

“And now?”

“And now she knows that nothing can come between us. And you have proven to her that your love for me includes your support for my relationship with her. Indeed, you have shown that you would go through hell or high water for us—and in a dress, at that!”

And this time, when Arthur chuckled, Merlin joined him. And Arthur caressed his face and kissed his temples, and Merlin did not shy away, though it was all sort of fuzzy and dreamlike at the moment.

“So, what now?” he finally asked.

“Now, exactly whatever it is that you most want,” answered Arthur hopefully.

Merlin pressed his lips together tightly, breathed in deeply through his nose, opened his mouth to exhale, and said, simply, “I want everything. Everything that you have to give me.”

Arthur grinned. This time it was more wolfish than sheepish. “Gwen is with Gaius right now. They are working on drafting a repeal of the laws against magic.”

Merlin’s eyes filled with tears as he grinned from ear to ear.

“She’ll be staying with Gaius tonight, unless you return to kick her out of your bed.”

Merlin swallowed. “Really?”

Arthur nodded.

“But what will Gaius think?”

“Well, umm...err...don’t be mad. I was mad. Um. Did you know that Gwen often confides in Gaius?”

Merlin flushed. “No!”

“Uh, yeah. And it seems he’s seen some rather interesting arrangements in his time. He’s the one who suggested that Gwen give us some time alone tonight.”

Merlin groaned. “I’ll never be able to face him again.”

“I know. I feel the same way. But, well, maybe it will be easier if we face him together.”

“Arthur. He is going to try to give us _advice_ ...you know... _physical advice_!”

Now it was Arthur’s turn to go beet red. But then he rose and stretched out his hand to Merlin and drew him towards the bed. “C’mon, let’s practice so we can tell him we don’t need any advice.”

As they approached the bed, Merlin noticed a parcel there.

“Oh!,” said Arthur. “Guinevere said she’d gotten you a little something so that you’d know she’s really, really ok with this.”

Merlin took the package and opened it carefully. A length of shimmery silk in the most lovely shade of blue slid onto the bedspread. Merlin picked it up. _Oh all the gods...she means me to wear this?_ Blushing even more fiercely than before he opened the little note.

“ _We noticed that you seem to be fond of women’s clothes and we want you to feel comfortable with that with us. Please wear this if you like...and if you feel shy with Arthur, tell him there’s one for him in red underneath his pillow. I love you both and will see you at lunch tomorrow. Be happy dear friend.”_

Merlin handed Arthur the note. Arthur retrieved the red nightie and both men looked intrigued, if a bit confused.  Finally Arthur said, “Do you want to?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But not now. I mean, I think one day I would like to see that on you,” Merlin said, pointing to the red silk in Arthur’s hands. “But today, all I want is to be as close to you as possible...with nothing between us...nothing and nowhere to hide.”

Arthur nodded his head and applied himself to giving Merlin exactly what he wanted.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I struggled mightily writing this...I think mainly I was stuck because I haven't written for a while. Anyway, I finally remembered a technique I used to use with my students. Basically, it's just asking myself a string of "What if" questions...letting one question lead to another. Sometimes it's even fun to make a What If poem. That and some fine cheerleading got me through this!
> 
> Finally, much thanks for giving this a shot and reading it! I would dearly love to hear from you in the comments!


End file.
